Sounds like it's going up.
To heaven!
Might be, might be going up to heaven.
Which is less scary.
Er, that's so sad and lonely, is the name of the song, by secret machines.
What kind of secret machines do you think they've got?
Secret, secret, anyway.
Like a little secret kind of bum wiper.
No, no, butterscotch whip machines, whip machines.
Oh, a little secret one of those.
Secret whip machines.
Or a little vibrator.
Mmm.
A little secret one.
Secret one.
Yes.
So very shortly, it's going to be competition time.
It's going to be Crap Commentary Corner, the competition where we play you an excerpt from a crap DVD commentary.
You have to tell us what the film that they're talking about is.
It's quite an easy one this week.
But the prizes are big.
Spider-Man 2 double special two-disc edition on DVD and the Spider-Man 2 game on the PlayStation 2, where you can swing around a virtually created New York.
Is that a game you've played yourself, Jon?
I've had a little go on it, yes.
I don't use the PlayStation 2 myself.
Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
So somebody gets the DVD and the game and maybe someone who calls in but gives the wrong answer might get that just for calling in, but the winner gets the DVD and the game and a triple action web blaster, which is basically a can of silly string mounted to a spidey glove that straps onto your wrist.
Nicely solved.
And squirts silly string at people.
Good job, man.
Thanks, man.
I think people are pretty excited.
Yeah.
Stick around.
It's coming up after this.
Many street preachers, empty souls.
Just a little grammatical point on that I just want to make.
God knows what makes a comparison, he sings, for empty souls.
The correct grammar, surely, is what compares to empty souls.
What does he sing?
God knows what makes a comparison.
to for empty souls and your you say he should be singing well is he saying what constitutes a comparison is he asking about what makes a comparison you know like what's a comparison basically no he's actually saying what compares to empty souls
You can't compare anything to Empty Souls, they're incomparably sad.
Let's never play that record again.
I don't think we will because, you know... Let's have it banned.
Yeah, because it's just filling children with bad grammar.
OK, it's time for Crap Commentary Corner, the competition where we play you an excerpt from the DVD commentary of a crap film, and you have to tell us what
film these people are talking about.
Quite an easy one this week, a great prize, Spider-Man 2 DVD, Spider-Man 2 on the Playstation 2, plus a triple action wrist-mounted web blaster that fires silly string, or should I say spider's web fluid, and water, and missiles, by missiles I mean bits of plastic with foam on the top, but it could be converted into a truly dangerous weapon.
If you swap the silly string for a can of mace,
the water for maybe hydrochloric acid or bleach and the plastic for bullets and the plastic for darts I was thinking okay yeah if you're a kid and you are actually going to go out and fight crime wearing this then I would swap it for more dangerous things because the phone probably won't stop criminals yeah okay so should we play the clip and the number is of course 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 if you can tell us what film these people are talking about
oh it's the wrong one sorry man shocking that was a clip from the film okay we'll play that to you in a second yeah here we go if you're good and uh this is the incomparable vinnie jones who uh when we wrote the part we always sort of hoped that maybe we could get vinnie jones he was well we were we wrote it with vinnie jones or a vinnie jones type in mind never thinking that yeah the dream being vinnie jones or someone that would rip vinnie off and the the pleasure of getting him was just just so great amazing
Wow, so many questions there.
What a dream to have Vinnie Jones.
Yeah.
What an amazing dream that is.
And then, the question of what it would be like to be someone who ripped Vinnie off.
Yeah, but what would it be like to write a script and sort of fantasise that you might get Vinnie for the role, then phone up his agent and be told no.
Would that happen?
Well, that would happen to everyone, yeah, because he's ungettable, because he's so... He's so in demand.
He's so very high up the A-list.
Well, he lives in Hollywood now.
Yeah, he's like a Hollywood star.
Yeah, yeah.
So who were those people dreaming about casting Vinnie Jones?
And what was the film that they cast Vinnie Jones in?
Call 08712221049.
In fact, you don't have to tell us who they were.
Just tell us the film that they dreamed about casting Vinnie in and obviously succeeded.
08712221049.
And do you want to hear the example of his work?
I think once we've got a winner, we'll hear the example of Vinnie's work.
We'll hear an example of what happens when you successfully cast the master and he performs in your work.
OK, we've got the Chemical Brothers now, and after this we'll see if we have any winners.
This is a track taken from the Block Rockin' Duos fifth album, which is going to be called Push the Button, and it features a vocal from US rapper Q-Tip.
He's a favorite of yours, isn't he?
Oh, I like Q-Tip, yeah.
I'll see what you think of this.
Yeah, that's good, isn't it?
It's gonna be a hit.
It's a hit for the chemicals.
It's a hit.
That's called Galvanize.
Chemical Brothers, this is Edward John, XFM.
We've got a couple of people on the line now with some theories on who was, uh... Should we play the clip again?
So this is some filmmakers talking about how excited they were to actually cast Vinnie Jones in their film.
And this is the incomparable Vinnie Jones, who when we wrote the part, we always sort of hoped that maybe we could get Vinnie Jones.
Well, we wrote it with Vinnie Jones or a Vinnie Jones type in mind, never thinking of the dream being Vinnie Jones or someone that would rip Vinnie off.
And the pleasure of getting him was just so great.
Amazing.
That's difficult, isn't it?
Because they don't say anything about the film whatsoever.
They don't, but there's only a certain number of movies that have been graced with Jones' presence.
There's more than you think.
Really?
Well, shall we take a call anyway, and see how we're doing?
Is Dennis on the line?
Hello, mate.
Hey, Dennis, how are you?
Good, good.
What do you think it is?
Um... Gone in 60 Seconds?
Good guess.
It's a classic Vinny film, Gone in 60 Seconds.
Did you have any other ideas, Dennis?
Well, let's stick to Gone in 60 Seconds.
Have you seen Gone in 60 Seconds, Dennis?
I have.
Do you remember Vinnie's extraordinary role in that?
Yeah, it was about three minutes long, wasn't it?
Well, he's sort of mute in it, isn't he?
He's the silent man.
The silent man.
He doesn't say anything.
And then at the very end of the film, there's a brilliant and hilarious reversal, isn't there?
Do you remember, Dennis?
No, I can't remember that much.
I do believe, at the end, he quotes some poetry or some Shakespeare.
Everyone thinks he's an idiot.
And then at the very end, he says, oh, yeah, but dust the autumn wind, kiss thine, or something, I don't know.
Yes, Bottom.
That was it.
But sadly you're wrong, Dennis.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
But you know what?
Just for calling in and getting it wrong, would you like the Spider-Man 2 double disc edition and Spider-Man 2 on the PlayStation 2?
OK.
That's pretty generous.
Dennis, come on, man.
You've got to sound more excited than that.
I'm too excited.
I might poo myself.
There you have it.
Dennis, you're laboratorially Bottom area obsessed.
You brought it down to our level.
We appreciate that.
Thanks, Dennis.
OK, now, Lewis, are you there?
How you doing?
Are you sure you sound exactly like Dennis?
I'm not Dennis, no.
Okay, good, good.
Now, talk us through your thinking.
Who do you think, which film do you think this might be?
I actually haven't seen it recently, and I think it's where he plays the football hooligan in EuroTrip.
Ooh.
And did you watch the commentary?
It is an incredible film, Eurotrip.
You are, of course, right.
It is the masterpiece Eurotrip, a film about American college students that go driving... He basically pursues a girl across Europe.
Entirely shot in Prague and with some of the most fake sort of versions of London and Paris and... Didn't you find it fake, Lewis?
I didn't, actually.
I got sucked in by that one.
OK.
Did you like the bit where he became the Pope?
No.
That was the icing on the cake.
Yeah, but it was one of those films that was so poor I personally found it very enjoyable and Vinny's performance was extraordinary and it must have been so exciting for them to envisage him or someone pretending to be him in the part and then not only get him.
Shall we give you an example of the kind of thing that Vinny came up with once he was secured for the film?
Here's the scene featuring Vinny.
Oi!
This is a private member's bar, exclusively for the supporters of the greatest football team in the world, Manchester United.
If you're Manchester United, I suppose, sing the Manchester United song.
I'm not much of a singer.
Sing!
The Manchester United football team, the best freaking team in all the land!
Woohoo!
Pretty damn good, lads!
Yeah!
He didn't expect that the Manchester United supporters like the singing of the American college boys And they become friends and a Manchester United boys go around the world Protecting the boys from all kinds of scrapes by being racist hooligan thugs Which is amusing and that's what all Americans think British people are like yeah, are you still there Lewis?
Yeah, that's true, but what how amazing for those filmmakers to dream about getting him then to get him then to let the master Deliver that performance Louis congratulations absolutely correct answer all those amazing spider-man gifts are on their way to you.
This is Adam and Joe on xfm
Yeah.
Blink-182 with Always.
One of Stephen King's favourite records of the year, I'll have you know.
Where did you read that?
In Entertainment Weekly.
He reckons his best album of the year is the Blink-182 album.
What's your best album of the year?
Probably As Ray Ray by Raphael Sadiq.
Wow.
Yeah.
What is that?
Well, you asked.
It's a sort of a very good soul album.
What have you got against Tunde?
What, what?
The Tunde album.
The Tunde?
Tunde.
I don't know about the Tunde album.
Oh wow.
That's the one that's advertised everywhere, isn't it?
Yeah, Tunde.
Tunde.
Um, right.
What?
Sorry.
Go on.
What were you gonna say?
I was gonna say a couple of things.
I finally figured out why razor light are called razor light.
Go on.
Because it's like rays of light.
Razor light?
Yeah.
Sort of in a West Country accent.
Exactly.
Razor light.
Oh, that would be razor light.
Isn't that, that's the thing though, isn't it?
Yeah, that's probably, yeah.
That's obvious.
Double meaning.
Yeah.
I just, it took me a while to work it out.
It doesn't make me like them any better.
Yeah.
So we've got an email.
You know it's the big reality TV payoff tonight?
Yeah.
It's the climax of Strictly Go Dancing and X Factor.
And we've got an email that says that you, Adam Buxton, look like one of the guys from G4.
Oh, that's nice.
They're all really good looking guys.
They are.
They're the half-life choice.
They're goofy.
And there is one that does look slightly like you.
And what's that?
Kind of like a sort of short... No, just burly.
Burly, right.
Burly and handsome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And there are some ugly ones in G4.
You know, I hadn't even watched X-Factor and I didn't realize that G4 was just this joke, flying pickets.
They're not a joke.
They're totally not a joke.
I mean, what's the deal?
They're amazing.
And the guy, who's the guy that's up against them?
Steve.
Steve.
Steve.
And Steve's just like this sort of boring bloke who's got this completely unremarkable voice.
You're boring.
That's so naive.
Is that what it's taken half a year to get to?
You're so naive.
Steve and G4 are the future of music and tonight will be an extraordinary clash of the titans that will define the direction music goes in for the next millennium.
At bar mitzvahs, you mean?
Yeah, and not only that, but in the future we'll be listening to either Steve or G4, and dancing to it in the manner of whoever wins Strictly Come Dancing.
While eating Witcherty Grubs.
What are they called?
Yeah, Witcherty Grubs.
Did you watch the end of all the I'm a Celebrity stuff?
Yeah.
did you enjoy it at all yeah but i thought burrell should have won really why because he's funny he is funny man i tell you i can't believe it was less than a week ago that it all happened seems so long ago now but that trial that he did last saturday night sticking his hand in those holes the hellhole trial
And then the final trial he did eating all the horrible witch tea grubs.
They were the funniest things I've ever seen on telly.
There you go.
And the best thing about the one where he stuck his hand in the holes was they used the music from Flash Gordon.
Oh, that's the very same sequence in Flash Gordon.
Yeah.
With Peter.
Is it Peter Duncan?
Yeah.
Yeah.
There you go.
But I was watching that on my own and I was rocking back and forth, holding my sides, literally holding my sides, laughing.
And actually the thought went through my head.
I'm having such a good time.
on your own watching that show but it made me so happy i just when it finished i just thought man that was an actual proper good time that i had watching the tv well you've got to watch the x-factor showdown it'll be the same kind of experience so you say yeah okay here's another little free play right now this is uh tod rungren and uh song of the viking
Sorry about that.
Just something I hate.
Snow Patrol with How to Be Dead.
Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Competition.
We've got another kind of competition for you right now.
This is a text-based competition.
All you have to do is text us.
This is if you want to win tickets to the XFM Christmas Party, sponsored by Jameson Irish Whiskey, and the Subways and the Black Velvets are going to be playing.
This is happening on Wednesday the 15th at the Islington Academy.
Starts at 7pm, and there's an amazing array of XFM DJs on the decks.
Can you guess who will be there, Joe?
Oh, Fatboy Slim.
He's not an XFM DJ.
Pete Tong.
Yeah, neither is Pete Tong.
Zoe Ball?
No, not anymore.
What's he called?
Who does the radio want?
Oh, Wes.
Wes Butters.
Not Wes.
He's been sacked.
Lauren Laverne will be there.
Adam Longworth, Dan Greenpeace, Ian Baker and Jared.
I don't know what that means.
OK, well this ties in a little bit to something that I saw earlier in the week on television.
I was watching in the afternoon for a change, like a kind of lazy student.
And I saw this show that Channel 4, I presume, were repeating from a later evening slot, but they were repeating it during the day.
And it was called Other People's Holidays?
Ever seen that?
And it was an episode which had a couple of people in Ibiza, I think, or Lanzarote, or somewhere like that.
Just a couple of young girls, and they were lying on the beach, and some guy came and chatted them up.
And the conversation that ensued included several uses of the S-word.
What?
Unbeeped.
Unbeeped.
S-H-1-T.
Oh, dear.
And I just felt quite violated.
It was just like two in the afternoon.
Well, it's funny, isn't it?
Daytime TV's funny.
Not usually about swearing, but they often assume, I suppose, that kids are at school.
And Phil and Fun have reviewed vibrators on This Morning.
Really?
And Richard Madeley has... They tested someone for testicular cancer, didn't they, on This Morning, very famously.
That's medical, though, isn't it?
Yeah, but it's still dangly nuts on television at lunchtime.
Big, hairy dangles, angles being squeezed about.
Yeah, but you can always get away with that stuff because it's an important medical... There's a thin line between medicine and eroticism, isn't there?
Well, I'm talking about swearing.
There's no excuse for SH1T.
OK.
But you're absolutely right.
No, there isn't.
You know, maybe people genuinely disagree and think that the times call for a slackening of the rules.
This is a very good issue, that certain swear words might be sort of, if they're like drugs, aren't they, like declassifying drugs?
Yeah.
that certain swear words might be declassified, like, sort of, cannabis was, slightly, maybe that's what's happened, that SH1T has just been declassified.
I remember in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, he says that word, doesn't he?
He does, but it's different.
That was a PG.
It's a PG.
You've got to have your parental guidance there.
The assumption is for telly, during the day, that it's all you.
You know, universal, man.
You can't have parental guidance all the time.
So what do you want from the listeners for the competition?
All right, so I want you to supply us with some made-up swear words that we can use on this show.
Because we can't say SH1T on this show without a rap on the knuckles.
We can't even say the TW word anymore.
I used to use that word quite liberally.
I said it the other week.
Yeah, I still don't find it offensive, but there's memos everywhere you work in TV and the radio that say, don't use the TW word because it is offensive.
It's one step away from the C word.
Which I personally don't agree.
So we're looking for words that sound really rude.
Yeah.
But aren't.
Exactly.
But don't appear on any official band lists.
That's right.
It's good if you make them up as well.
Like for instance, shunt.
yeah or uh twunt or front or twunt front was one we used to use with a u f r u n t yeah these are all going down the same lines it would be good if you were more creative than that yeah steer away from the unt suffix all you have to do is text us and the number to text is
83-XFM.
83-XFM.
And you have to just text the word Jameson.
Capital J-A-M-E-S-O-N.
And then after that, your name and your answer or just the answer?
Just the swear word.
Just the swear word, right.
Just the invented swear word.
So you have to text the word Jameson.
Jameson with a capital J and your invented swear word.
And then you will receive back a text, an automatic text.
And you also find yourself compelled to buy some Jameson this weekend.
Yeah, right?
Is that the idea?
If you wander into the off-license, like, just slightly not knowing what you want.
Well, buy it for your dad.
We don't want to encourage young people to drink, do we?
Anyway, so get texting now, and you could win tickets to that XFM party, which would be amazing!
And be creative with those swear words.
Adam and Joe here on XFM, and this is Stephen Malkmus.
Stephen Malkmus and fantasies.
This is a little coda at the end of the song.
That comes from a really good album, his first eponymous debut solo album, if that's not a total tautology.
It's Sam and Joe on XFM.
So the made up, sorry, Adam.
Yeah, no, you were saying?
The made up swear words are flooding in.
It is important that they're made up.
They can't be sort of combinations of already existing swear words and made up swear words.
They have to be entirely fake.
So they don't violate any kind of sweary laws, media swear laws.
Because we want to keep this really clean.
We don't want to be just like, you know, it has to be totally inventive.
Like, for example, someone sent in something involving the word that sounds like freaking.
Yeah.
And I don't think you can say the real word, which rhymes with rigging.
You know, that's off limits, isn't it?
Yeah, we've got a lot.
The people are really responding to this.
OK.
Well, we'll read some of those out very shortly.
Now, Joe, did you see a program on BBC Three this week about the history of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen?
I did not.
Wow.
You really missed something.
The history of just that one song.
The film was the... Yeah, just the one song.
It was called The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody and it was hosted by Richard E. Grant.
Good choice.
And I'm not sure if it was supposed to be ironic or not.
I couldn't really tell.
It certainly seemed to be a fairly unironic overview of the creation of the song and the impact thereafter of this undoubtedly iconic piece of work by Queen.
Great song, of course.
But does it really warrant a half-hour documentary which was more or less po-faced?
One of the sections of the documentary involved a group of Oxford dons sat round a table in a big library in Oxford like they do, talking about the meaning of the lyrics.
And it was, you know, pretty unrevealing.
What did they come up with?
Well, they came up with, I can't even remember, it was so banal.
It was stuff like, oh, he's upset about his mother and I can't, you know, they just more or less read them out and sort of said, this reminds me of Byron or something.
But it was rotten.
One of the key parts of the documentary, though, was Richard E. Grant in a cellar, sort of weirdly lit cellar, reciting the lyrics.
They would intersperse various bits of the poetry.
Exactly like poetry.
And it was the realisation, really, of that Pete and Dud sketch, where, is it Pete or Dud who's pretending to be Laurence Olivier, and reading out the lyrics to Hard Day's Night?
It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working, like a dog.
And of course the joke there was, you know, the elevation of these lyrics, pop lyrics, to poetry.
But here it was, actually happening, for real, for serious, on BBC3.
Unless I've missed the joke, which is possible.
Well, Dylan's lyrics have been published as poetry, haven't they?
Yeah, but that's one thing.
You know, you can draw a line with pop lyrics.
You can say one set of lyrics is supposed to be good, and another's just supposed to be throwaway.
I think Bohemian Rhapsody wouldn't come under the good section.
I think they work fantastically for the song.
Have you got them there?
I do, yeah.
I see a little silhouetto.
What is silhouetto?
But he read them out, like Richard E. Grant read them out.
Read them out like he read them out.
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy.
I need no sympathy because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low, any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me.
Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead.
Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away.
Mama, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Do we know, do they know what Freddie Mercury actually meant when he wrote them?
Is that on record?
Uh, no, I think I once heard that maybe it was about the fact that they had to move house.
Really?
I don't know.
I have no idea, actually.
I'm sure there's articles about it in Mojo magazine or Q. But it occurred to me that you could do the same thing with a lot of lyrics, you know, given similar treatment.
For example, the words of Busted.
This is Air Hostess.
Air Hostess, I like the way you dress, though I hate to fly, but I feel much better.
Occupied my mind writing you a love letter.
I messed my pants when we flew over France.
Will I see you soon in my hotel room for a holiday romance air hostess?
You know, that's beautiful.
It's pretty amazing stuff.
And actually, while I was trawling through the lyrics of Busted, I found the words to a song called Dawson's Geek.
Have you heard Dawson's Geek by Busted?
It's all about a girl who's obsessed by Dawson's Creek, and it's quite brilliant.
Read it.
You think you know it all.
I see it in the way you're speaking.
The long words that you use are starting to get irritating.
I've got the urge to knock you out.
And I can't handle this.
The ladder by your bedroom door really takes the piss.
And it goes on in a similar vein, but it's quite a good job by Busted, I think.
Well done, Busted.
Of course, winners of the Record of the Year for Thunderbirds.
Did they win record of the year for that?
Yeah, deservedly so.
Great record.
Best record of the year.
Well, we'll be back after some adverts and some music with some made up swear words.
Yeah, stick with it.
That's Graham Cox on.
Yeah, nice introduction to the made-up swearing.
We're freaking out.
This is Adam and Joel on XFM, London's 104.9.
It's just gone 2.30.
We're having a competition where you have to text in the word Jameson and the made-up swear word, because Adam and I are angry men, and we're frustrated that we can't use genuine swear words on the radio.
So we need some made-up ones that have equal impact.
And the best ones, we're going to give tickets to the XFM Christmas party on Wednesday night, sponsored by Jameson.
So are you ready to hear some of the entries, Adam?
Yeah, please, what have we got?
You foffin' lump-monker.
Quite good, foffin' lump-monker.
Oh, shut up, you spunkle-spooge.
That spunkle-spooge... Oh, you little funt.
Funt is too close to front, which is... Oh, shut up, pig-bum.
Pig-bum is sweet.
Oh, you gipping sow.
What?
Shut up, crack-lunker.
That's a bit rude.
These are some of the best as well.
Well, I like some of the first couple of ones.
Oh, come on.
Fructus?
You've got to be careful with this.
Fructus.
Fructus is like one of the ingredients of... Fructus.
Fructus you get in shampoo.
Oh, don't be a monkey, waggler.
That's just childish, isn't it?
It's ludicrous.
And then someone's pointed out that Scunthorpe has a very rude word in the middle.
Pongkit.
Pongkit, I like.
Most of these just sound like sort of Star Trek space words.
Well, you know what?
We're approaching the planet Pongkit.
On Battlestar Galactica they used to say frack.
Remember that?
Oh, frack.
Frack.
Yes.
Is that not a Star Trek word?
No, Star Trek didn't have any made-up swearing.
It was a utopia.
There's no swearing in utopia.
Quidlicker, Aliceman, cat flaps, sticky carpet hoover, cruff.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Sticky carpet hoover.
Boy, there's a lot to choose from.
You cronoc.
Narrow it down, what are your favourites?
I don't know.
Niggle buns, it's just pathetic.
Boolie?
It's just baby words.
Boolie's good!
Boolie?
How do you spell Boolie?
B-O-L-E-Y.
I like Boolie.
Okay, Boolie shall come to the party then.
Yeah!
Boolie, how many tickets have we got to give away?
Three.
So Boolie gets one.
Boolie, you're in.
What about Spunkle Spoodge?
Spunkle Spoodge, you're in.
Spunkle Spoodge is in.
Yeah.
Wow.
They've got to use these words a lot when they come to the party.
Exactly.
You've got to use them to young kids with hoodie tops and see how it goes down.
What about Foffen Lumpmonker?
Yeah, that's a bit of a mouthful.
You don't sound sure.
It sounds a bit too Muppet.
Aww, pig bum?
Pig bum's quite good cos pigs don't have very attractive bums.
It's hard to beat pig bum.
Well, should pig bum come to the party?
I thought you were gonna say pig pump.
That would be almost better, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
So we're inviting Pig Bum and Spunkle Spooge and who was the other one?
And Niggle Bonts or was it Boolie?
Boolie, Spunkle Spooge and Pig Bum.
Sounds like a new CBBC show.
Yeah, a new boy band.
So that's it.
Congratulations all of those people.
Have you noticed that the BBC One has started calling itself The One?
No.
Yeah, on all their trailers.
That's tonight on The One.
You're joking.
No.
It happened last week and they're not going to let go.
Oh my goodness.
Sometimes the BBC needs a real hard slap on its pig bum.
The One.
here's kasabian we met kasabian at the winter wonderland they were very nice very nice i thought they were going to be scary but they were lovely obviously they were angry and rock as well yeah yeah
Ooh, it's like we're floating in a spooky space station with Kasabian and Process Beat.
Adam and Joe on XFM.
Joe, you've been getting some more made up spare words.
Yeah, they're still coming in and we might regret sending Spooge and Spunkle, whatever, to the party.
Never.
Because we've got, uh, what is it?
I'm going to have to say this very carefully.
Kruntus.
Kruntus.
Kruntus is a bit dangerous, isn't it?
It sounds like a condition.
Farthenhole.
Farthenhole!
Best said in a German accent.
Of course, somebody pointing out that Judge Dredd in 2000AD used to use the word drock.
Yeah, that's a good source of couple of made up ones, didn't he?
Yeah.
That's a good well remembered, though.
The key made up swearing thing, of course, is Johnny Dangerously.
Johnny Dangerously.
The Michael Keaton film.
Somebody's texted that in as well with Fargen Eithol.
You Fargen Eithol.
You summon them batch.
And fantastic.
What were some of the other ones he did?
Uh... Don't you faggot look at me, you asshole.
That was close.
That was very close to actual swearing!
But yeah, Johnny Dangerously, great film.
Sort of overlooked classic.
But thank you for everybody who's texted in, unfortunately our three tickets have gone, but there's another chance to win something coming right up because it's very nearly Dizzy's-in-the-dock time.
This week's theme is TV theme tunes, and pretty soon Adam and I are going to be pitching
for the records we want you to call in and ask us to play to play out the song.
And we're giving away a Alfred Hitchcock signature collection DVD box set.
I like signature collections, don't you, Adam?
What, collections that have- That have been signed by the director, or not actually signed, but have the director's signature printed on them.
Is that the only thing that makes them a signature collection?
Yeah.
Surely it's implying that the movies contained inside are supposedly his best.
I don't know what it implies.
It just means that he's authorized it.
This is what he would wish.
From the grave.
From the grave, and it includes North by Northwest, I confess, Stagefright, The Wrong Man, Dial M for Murder, and Strangers on a Train.
Maybe we should do Dishes in the Dark now, because it's already twice.
Yeah, well, we're about to start.
Well, you think we should pitch them now?
Look, I see Justin Lee Collins out there.
It's like seeing The Yeti.
Oh, my Yeti.
Wandering around, there he is, bouncing out like The Yeti Man.
The Somerset Sasquatch.
Oh, Justin Lee Collins, he's coming up soon.
Yeah, let's do Ditties in the Dock now.
Come on, we've only got 20 minutes left.
OK.
So, of course, Ditties in the Dock is the segment of the show where we get you to decide which song we play out with.
And each week we have a theme and Adam and I pitch different records.
You vote for either my choice or Adam's choice.
Would you like to go first this week, Adam?
Yeah, I guess so.
Are you feeling confident about your choice?
Well, I don't know, you're obviously smug about something.
I'm not that smug.
Okay, let's make this quick though.
Mine is Banana Splits, theme from the Banana Splits.
Oh, good one.
La la la, la la la, la la la, la la la.
Enough said, okay?
Yeah?
Vote for the Banana Splits.
So you have to call 08712221049 if you want to hear the Banana Splits.
Or, alternatively, do you want to hear the theme from Minder, as sung by Dennis Waterman and his band, Kenny.
If you wanna change the situation.
It's how it starts.
Oh, it's a classic song.
I could be so good to you.
Obviously inspired the Dave Walliams sketch on the miniature Dennis Waterman sketch on Little Britain.
Theme from mine that, in my opinion, the greatest sung TV theme tune in history.
So that's Diddy's in the Dock this week.
It's the theme from Minder versus the theme from the Banana Splits.
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine say banana or minder and the deciding vote will win Alfred Hitchcock's signature collection.
We'll be back after this is Bob Dylan from Blood On The Tracks.
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.
This is Edmund Joe on XFL.
XFM, London.
This is Adam and Joel on XFM on a Saturday afternoon, and we are near the gut-wrenching climax of Ditters in the Dock.
We've got five callers on the line, but what we're going to do this week, right, just to really string it out in a kind of amazingly exciting way, is take four callers, and... I haven't thought this through.
I haven't thought this through.
No.
Let's take the calls, see what happens, and we'll come back to that bit of logic, Ad, in a second.
So this week it is the theme from Banana Splits versus the theme from Minder.
It's a TV-themed, tuned play-off.
So let's go to Ben.
Hello, Ben, are you there?
Yes, I'm gonna... Hello, Adam.
Hello, Ben.
Thanks for saying hello.
I'm gonna vote for Banana Splits.
Yeah, good job.
Well done, Ben.
That's a very good choice.
Do you remember the Banana Splits, Ben?
I got it on the CD.
Really?
Yeah.
What CD have you got it on, Ben?
It's like CD 2.
It's like this.
La la la, la la la la, la la la.
Yeah, that's exactly how it is.
That's perfect.
That's very well sung.
How old are you, Ben?
Eight years old.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Well done for calling.
You know, Ben, we're going to give you a special, slightly condescending gift because you're, I think, our youngest caller ever.
We're going to give you Garfield on DVD.
Would you like Garfield on DVD?
Yeah, should I want to really see that?
You do want to really see it?
Yeah.
Well then, that's a fantastic prize for you.
We'll send that to you.
Thanks for calling, Ben.
So that's one nil for the Banana Splits.
Louise, are you there?
Hello.
Hello, how are you?
Very good.
Are you on a sort of hands-free... Are you on speakerphone?
No, I'm in the bath.
You're in the bath?
Sexy!
Wow!
You naughty, foffing lump-monker!
Are you touching your spunkles, Booj?
Steady!
Oh, you dirty pig bump!
She is!
Oh, she's a gipping sow.
That's actually quite rude.
Now, what are you going to vote for?
Mind her, please.
Mind her.
Can you sing us a little snatch?
Yeah.
She's sinking.
There you go.
Fantastic.
I feel compelled to give you a prize for being in the bath, but we ain't got one, so just your prizes are saying thank you.
Thank you very much.
So that's one nil between the banana splits.
One all.
Yeah, one all.
Sorry, mate.
So Mikey.
Is Mikey on the line?
Hello, Mikey.
Hi there.
How are you?
I'm very well, thanks.
That's okay.
And who, what?
Hello, Mikey.
Hello, I can hardly hear you.
I'm in the car driving along.
So you're breaking the law.
Breaking the law.
You are breaking the law.
Very quickly, tell us what it's going to be.
Bananas, Blitz or Minder?
He's crashed.
He's been arrested.
He's crashed.
He's gone down for life.
Mikey, are you still there?
Hello there.
Hi, are you going to vote for Bananas, Blitz or Minder?
Banana splits, okay!
Hang up quickly, Mike, and concentrate on the road.
Thank you very much for your call.
So that's 2-1 for banana splits and only one for minder.
Okay, Harry, are you there?
Is this a male or a female, Harry?
It's a smile, Harry, you lump munkers.
Oh, steady on, Harry, that's rude.
Don't bring me such a crack munker.
Come on, you two, you fructose monkey waggler.
Step away.
Harry, which one are you going to go for?
I would love to hear the mighty finished watermelon.
I'll be so good for you.
There ain't nothing I can do.
I'll be so good for you.
You see, that's the kind of thing I'd like to see on X-Factor instead of the... That's well, then watch X-Factor.
Because that is the kind of thing you see on X-Factor.
You stupid little front.
Harry, thank you for calling.
So that's 2 All.
It's 2 All?
Now here's my amazing... Is it 2 All?
Yes, it is 2 All.
Here's my...
I'm glad you don't host X-Factor.
My amazing plan is to play a record, right?
Come back after the record and get a final phone and see which way it's gonna go.
Do you see what I mean?
Well, it was actually my plan, then you started saying it and messed it up.
Is that the way it happened?
Yeah.
I want that clear to the nation.
So, uh, stick around, here's the zoutons, after this you'll find out which of those amazing songs been on the blitz.
Hey, but we should tell people now, call now, 0871221 049 and the next caller we put on air will be not only the deciding vote, but will win the Hitchcock DVD collection.
It's funny how it turns me over
The Zeotoms, with confusion.
Zootons, of course, stole the show at the Winter Wonderland.
They were very good.
Zootons and Kasabian were generally agreed to have been the standout actors.
And, of course, Isabelle.
And Isabelle were, in fact, fantastic.
The extraordinary kiddie band.
OK, let's wrap things up now.
So Dizzy's on the Dog is on a knife edge.
We've got two votes for the Banana Splits theme and two votes for the theme from Minder.
This next call will be the deciding call.
They'll also win a copy of the Alfred Hitchcock signature collection.
Now, just even to extend things a little further.
Yeah.
Can I just give myself a plug?
I'm involved in a TV show called The Last Chance of This Week, which you can see, it's like a sitcom about a band in Brighton, and it's on E4 every night this week, about 10 or 11.
My heart beats a bit redundant, really, isn't it?
No, it makes it sound even more amazing.
Check it out.
You never know, you might like it.
I had to say that.
Okay, here we go.
Who's our final caller?
Sarah.
Hello, Sarah.
How are you?
I'm fine, thanks.
Are you okay?
Yeah, we're fine.
I'm nervous because you realise the significance of your call.
You're now going to be the swinging vote on This Is In The Dark.
I know, I could change my mind.
Yeah, you could.
What a mantle of responsibility.
Which way are you going to go, Sarah?
I'm going to go for Minder.
Cornish takes it again!
You freak.
Thank you, Sarah, and you get that Alfred Hitchcock signature collection.
I'm gonna rub it.
What have you got against the banana split, Sarah?
Two hard cakes and a nine.
Yeah.
It's just too gimmicky, Ab.
I understand the listeners better than you.
They like really good music.
They like music that sounds a bit like the Wurzels.
OK.
Or Chas and Dave.
Well, you asked for it.
You're going to get it.
Thanks very much for your call.
Thanks to everyone who called in and texted us this week.
Justin the Collins coming up very shortly.
We'll be back next week between 1 o'clock and 3 o'clock here on XFM.
And we'll be here on Christmas Day, right?
Yeah.
Can't wait for that.
Christmas show.
Have a lovely week.
We love you.
Bye.
Bye.
If you want to, I'll change the situation Right people, right time, just the wrong location I've got a good idea
Just you keep me near I'll be so good for you I'm gonna help you out I'll do anything for you I'll be so good for you I'll do it like you want me to I'll do it like you want me to
Others are good for you Sometime when you're feeling like a poor relation Call on me and I'll give you more than a conversation Take a shaking hand to deal
If you're the brother, I'll make you him I'll be so good for you I'll be right by your side Love you like you want me to There ain't nothin' you can hide from Me, I'll be so good for you I'll be right by your side Love you like you want me to Love you like you want me to
I'll tell you the lies Use my shoulder to rest on I'll be right by your side
He's so good for you I'm the one you really need Love you like you want me to I can even have you leave I'll be so good for you I can make the good times roll Even roll Love you with my heart and soul